


Sunrise

by sidebyside_archivist



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-01
Updated: 2002-06-01
Packaged: 2020-06-27 23:52:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19800376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidebyside_archivist/pseuds/sidebyside_archivist
Summary: The boys talk.





	1. Sunrise Version 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from LadyKardasi and Sahviere, the archivists: this story was originally archived at [Side by Side](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Side_by_Side_\(Star_Trek:_TOS_zine\)) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. We tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Side by Side’s collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sidebyside/profile).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first version of two of the story "Sunrise". The difference between the two is the ending.

\- Spock, wake up.  
  
\- ... What? Is there an emergency? Danger?  
  
\- No, nothing like that. The sun’s coming up over the beach and I want you to see it with me.  
  
\- I was unaware that sunrises required company.  
  
\- They don’t. But I do when I’m watching them.  
  
\- I see... Very well, then, I shall view it with you.  
  
\- Good. Hurry up, we don’t want to miss it.  
  
\- I am endeavoring to locate my shirt in the dark without waking the others.  
  
\- They’re in other tents, Spock, and their hearing isn’t as good as yours. Don’t worry about it.  
  
\- Why are you awake at 0536 hours? I had always believed you to be a late riser.  
  
\- I usually am, but I can never sleep well the first night exploring a new world. Remember Beta Rajarus?  
  
\- Ah, yes, I recall. You woke me at a similar time by inserting a small multi-legged creature into my therma-bag.  
  
\- What can I say, planetfall brings out the best in me.  
  
\- I confess to some relief that you did not employ a similar method this time.  
  
\- Well, that time the point was just to put the raggnorf in your bag. Now I really do want to see the sunrise.  
  
\- No doubt the paucity of small animal life here on Dernath IV contributed as well.  
  
\- Well, if you want to be that way about it...  
  
\- You may open the flap to our tent now.  
  
\- Finally. It’s probably noon by now... whoa, check that out.  
  
\- It is most definitely not noon.  
  
\- No, we’re just in time. Let’s walk along the water.  
  
\- The atmospheric effects of Dernath IV are most striking. The density and layering of gases produces a most fascinating phenomenon.  
  
\- I’ve missed your perspective on beauty.  
  
\- If you wished to view this with someone who shares your aesthetic viewpoint, perhaps you should have woken McCoy.  
  
\- I wasn't being sarcastic. I love sharing your take on things, partially because it’s different.  
  
\- Oh.  
  
\- Besides, we both think it’s beautiful, right? Just in different ways.  
  
\- The Vulcan perspective of aesthetic appreciation is quite complicated.  
  
\- Oh, don’t give me that. I didn’t ask about the Vulcan perspective. I asked about _yours_.  
  
\- The distinction is important to you?  
  
\- Of course it is. You are _you_ , Spock, not just some Vulcan. I’ve known you for almost eight years, even if we haven’t seen much of each other for the past few. I can’t believe you’d think I still see you as just another Vulcan.  
  
\- I do not think you do. However, I am continually surprised at that fact. Nearly everyone in my life sees me through the lens of my heredity, at least to some extent. Including my parents.  
  
\- Including yourself, also?  
  
\- ... Perhaps. Before Kolinahr, at least.  
  
\- And now?  
  
\- Now I do not know. Now I am just Spock.  
  
\- That's all you need to be, you know.  
  
\- Thank you.  
  
\- ... You're right, though, these colors are striking. God, I love this part of my job.  
  
\- I believe exploration and first contact is the reason most of the crew entered Starfleet.  
  
\- Especially when it's uninhabited, gorgeous planets like this. I'll make a wonderful colony world someday.  
  
\- And for now you have your beach to walk on, Jim.  
  
\- You remember that conversation?  
  
\- Indeed. It is a memory I cherish.  
  
\- Why? We were both out of our minds.  
  
\- True. However, it was the first time that we spoke about anything deeply personal.  
  
\- It was, wasn't it? I never thought much about that. I think I always had an image of us being able to talk like we are now.  
  
\- You retain this image in spite of the past few years?  
  
\- ... I don't know. Maybe, in a weird way, I do so _because_ of it. It's like -- us being able to talk, being friends like this, is so integral to my conception of how the universe is supposed to work that I always thought in the back of my mind, even during those years, that they weren't real. That you'd turn up and everything would be okay again.  
  
\- They were real, though unpleasant.  
  
\- That's an understatement. ... I'm a fool, Spock.  
  
\- In what way? You are many things, Jim, but not a fool.  
  
\- No, I'm a fool. When I said all I wanted was a beach to walk on.  
  
\- I did think at the time that it seemed most out of character. I do not imagine that would would be content with a life free of responsibility.  
  
\- That's what the past years were, and I was miserable.  
  
\- I do not understand. You had a great deal of responsibility.  
  
\- But none of it _mattered_ to me. It was paper pushing, never seeing anything new, never actually making a difference. I felt like I was suffocating. I can't really explain it.  
  
\- You do not need to. I understand.  
  
\- Yeah, you do, don't you? ... That's the other thing.  
  
\- What other thing?  
  
\- The other reason I'm a fool.  
  
\- Explain.  
  
\- A beach to walk on is a really lonely place when there's no one to walk it with you.  
  
\- Lori did not walk on beaches with you?  
  
\- ... I don't know if I can talk about Lori.  
  
\- You have never spoken much of her.  
  
\- Just like _you've_ never talked much about Gol.  
  
\- Many things are difficult to discuss.  
  
\- Yes. Especially with you.  
  
\- You find Lori especially difficult to discuss with me, Jim?  
  
\- Well, yeah. Probably for the same reason you find Kohlinar hard to discuss with _me_.  
  
\- I have not spoken about Gol with anyone.  
  
\- But especially not me.  
  
\- ... Yes. Especially not you.  
  
\- ... You know, if you ever want to, I'll listen.  
  
\- The desire to and the ability to are not the same thing.  
  
\- I know. That's what Lori could never understand.  
  
\- What do you mean?  
  
\- ... I _wanted_ to fall in love with her. I tried so hard. I just couldn't.  
  
\- You did not love her?  
  
\- I tried. I liked her, respected her, was attracted to her. But ... no, I don't think I loved her.  
  
\- May I ask a question?  
  
\- Sure. I might not answer though.  
  
\- It is actually two questions. Why did you want to fall in love, and why were you unable to succeed?  
  
\- ... Those are good questions.  
  
\- I am most interested in your responses.  
  
\- Here we are, talking about the very thing I didn't want to discuss.  
  
\- If you are not comfortable, Jim, do not feel obliged to speak.  
  
\- No, I should probably talk this out sometime.  
  
\- I am sure McCoy would be willing if you are especially hesitant to discuss it with me.  
  
\- I meant talk it out with you.  
  
\- Oh. Then I shall reiterate my question. Why did you want to fall in love?  
  
\- ... This is harder to talk about that I would have thought. Let's sit on the sand so I don't have to look at you.  
  
\- Very well.  
  
\- Well, I guess because when I lost you and Bones and the ship, it felt like I had this big gaping hole inside. I was just -- empty.  
  
\- I understand. Quite well, in fact.  
  
\- I wanted to fall in love because I wanted to fill that hole. Have you ever been in love, Spock?  
  
\- It is very difficult to say with certainty, since I do not know if what I have felt fits the Terran concept of love.  
  
\- I don't know if anyone ever knows what does, least of all me. But I _thought_ that if I could just fall in love with Lori, it would fill up that hole. That's what everyone says love is like.  
  
\- It is certainly a part of the Terran definition.  
  
\- Well, it didn't work.  
  
\- In what way?  
  
\- I felt emptier with Lori than I ever did without her. I kept thinking that she _should_ be enough for me, and I blamed myself when she wasn't.  
  
\- It was not your fault.  
  
\- Maybe not how I felt. But I could have treated her better. Been more honest, at least.  
  
\- Perhaps. But that is past now; you do no one any good by continuing to berate yourself over it.  
  
\- I guess you're right... See, that's why I need you around, to be that rational part of me that points these things out.  
  
\- Jim, I am not as rational as you think.  
  
\- What do you mean? You're the clearest thinker I've ever met.  
  
\- The two most significant decisions of my life were motivated by emotional considerations. Entering Starfleet and leaving it to join the Kolinahr.  
  
\- Even if they were, that's not necessarily bad, you know.  
  
\- I no longer believe that 'emotional' always means 'undesirable.' Yet I still agree with Surak, that emotion untempered by reason is dangerous.  
  
\- Surely those decisions weren't entirely unreasonable.  
  
\- Gol was.  
  
\- How? I mean, I never agreed with it, but I never doubted that you had a good reason for doing what you did.  
  
\- I did not.  
  
\- Can I ask why you went? I've wondered about it a lot.  
  
\- ... This is difficult to discuss.  
  
\- Yeah, I know.  
  
\- You spoke of the hole that was left by the absence of myself, the doctor, and the _Enterprise_.  
  
\- Yeah.  
  
\- As our five-year mission drew to a close, I felt a similar emptiness within myself.  
  
\- I don't understand. Everything was still the same.  
  
\- But I saw what you did not. It was a new beginning, but also an ending. I did not see how anything could remain unaffected.  
  
\- I saw that too.  
  
\- You saw that the mission was ending, but I do not believe that you ever thought about what that would mean. You were very excited about your job at the Admiralty, and you did not believe that would change the relationship between us at all, though we were to be assigned different jobs to different locations.  
  
\- Okay. Maybe I didn't see it; that's why it was so hard when you and Bones left. But if you hadn't gone, I would have been right.  
  
\- Things would have changed regardless.  
  
\- In the particulars, yes, but not all the important stuff. That's what real friendship _is_ , Spock. It's always there. And you were the -- the _realest_ friend I've ever had.  
  
\- You may be correct, Jim, but at the time I perceived that you did not allow for the possibility of even superficial change. Or that you did not care what happened, one way or another.  
  
\- Of course I cared. Maybe I didn't realize how fully, but I did.  
  
\- Regardless, it seemed to me that you did not.  
  
\- But even so, I don't see why you went to Gol.  
  
\- It was illogical.  
  
\- Even illogical can be important.  
  
\- As I said, I saw that my world would change, but you appeared unconcerned or unaware. And... I became afraid.  
  
\- You, Spock? Of what?  
  
\- The five-year mission was the most fulfilling time of my life, Jim, and much of that was because of you. I did not want to ove on to a situation in which we were not together. But I did not think you felt the same way.  
  
\- Oh, Spock...  
  
\- I concluded that I had been grossly mistaken to allow myself to get that close to you or enjoy my life aboard the _Enterprise_ so much. If you open yourself to happiness you also make yourself vulnerable to pain, and I felt that I had erred in allowing myself a friendship that clearly meant more to me than it did to you.  
  
\- Oh, God, Spock, it didn't! Maybe I was an idiot and gave you reason to think otherwise, but please don't think that. If there's anything the last three years have shown me...  
  
\- ... I am quite relieved to hear you say that, Jim. But at the time I was emotional and hence irrational. I decided that it had been a mistake to allow myself the emotion that I did, and therefore it would be most logical to eliminate it.  
  
\- So it was my fault you went to Gol.  
  
\- No more than it was my fault that you tried in vain to fall in love with Lori. It was certainly a factor, but the root cause was in myself. I needed to make my peace with emotion in any case.  
  
\- What fools we _both_ are.  
  
\- No, what _people_ we both are. You humans have a saying -- "nobody's perfect." No one makes the correct decision all the time.  
  
\- You're getting wise in your old age, Spock.  
  
\- Misery creates wisdom.  
  
\- ... You were miserable at Gol, then?  
  
\- I spent much of my time denying that the emotion existed within me. And there were moments of enlightenment, even joy. But in sum ... yes, I was miserable.  
  
\- You _have_ changed, to admit emotion so freely.  
  
\- I do not feel the necessity to admit it to more than a few. But I no longer see the logic in trying to be someone I am not, either.  
  
\- I'm glad you realized that and came back.  
  
\- It was in part your doing, Jim.  
  
\- How? You mean cause you heard me in your mind?  
  
\- That, or something related to that, was why I failed Kolinahr. But it was not why I returned to the _Enterprise_ upon doing so.  
  
\- I'm sorry about that, by the way. Not that it made you come back, but that you failed because of me.  
  
\- Do not apologize. I thank you for it.  
  
\- I didn't mean to call to you. It just happened... do you 'hear' me often?  
  
\- It is rare if we are not in physical contact.  
  
\- And if we are?  
  
\- I normally shield less when I am around you. As a result, casual touches usually bring a ... presence... nothing as concrete as a thought or even an emotion, but an impression of your mind. Your psychic 'feel' is most pleasant.  
  
\- That's the nicest compliment I've ever gotten.  
  
\- It is the truth. Does it bother you that I shield so lightly around you?  
  
\- No, not at all, actually. But I think I'm a little jealous that I can't sense you in the same way.  
  
\- I believe you do on some level.  
  
\- I always relax and feel most comfortable around you, but that's not the same thing.  
  
\- No. But perhaps I could teach you the rest. Our minds are most attuned.  
  
\- Can you? How?  
  
\- Put your hand on mine, like this.  
  
\- Okay.  
  
\- Now send your mind 'out' towards mine, as we do when we meld.  
  
\- I don’t know if I'm getting anything.  
  
\- You are expecting too much. As I said, it is nothing as concrete as a thought. It is just a presence.  
  
\- Well, I feel like that hole is filled, if that's what you mean.  
  
\- Logical. Both myself, the doctor, and the _Enterprise_ are back.  
  
\- Yeah... but I think mostly it's you.  
  
\- Why do you say that?  
  
\- ... When you first came on the bridge during the V'Ger crisis and I saw that you hated me, it was one of the worst moments of my life. Even though I had both Bones and the ship, I would have given almost anything to erase that emotion in you.  
  
\- I did not hate you.  
  
\- Yes you did. I know hatred is an emotion, and you might have only felt it for a little while, but you did. Let's not lie to each other about this.  
  
\- ... It was irrational.  
  
\- Maybe, but it was justified. First I made you go to Gol, then I made you quit. You deserved your hatred.  
  
\- Jim, I already told you I do not blame you for either of those two things. The root cause was in myself for both of them.  
  
\- Well, why did you hate me then?  
  
\- ... Because when I left Gol, the only place I wanted to go was with you. I hated you for making me feel that way.  
  
\- Oh.  
  
\- It is most illogical.  
  
\- No, it makes sense. I've never been as dependent on anyone as I am on you, and it scares me to death.  
  
\- You are not a dependent person, Jim.  
  
\- You didn't see me the past few years. I was miserable without you around. I need you with me. You know that while we were still on the last mission, Spock, but I didn't realize it till you were gone.  
  
\- I have no desire to be anywhere else either.  
  
\- It doesn't make sense. I didn't think this kind of friendship was possible. It it's _essential_ to your happiness for the other person to be with you, I always thought that was _love_ , not friendship. And we've never been lovers.  
  
\- Friendship is a type of love, is it not?  
  
\- Yeah, I guess so. I just never heard of that intense of a friendship. I certainly never felt this way about Bones, or Gary.  
  
\- Your culture is perhaps too restrictive in its definitions.  
  
\- Maybe... When I realized how I felt about you, you know, I didn't know what to do.  
  
\- Explain.  
  
\- I finally realized that the reason I couldn't fall in love with Lori was because I expected her to fill the void you'd left, Spock. That wasn't fair to her, and of course she couldn't even come close.  
  
\- Indeed. She is not me.  
  
\- But when I saw that I had just married her to get over you, and that even _that_ relationship -- of lovers -- paled in comparison to what you and I had had, I didn't know what that meant. I've never considered myself bisexual, Spock, but I couldn't see how what I felt for you could be called anything other than love.  
  
\- Jim...  
  
\- I even tried dating a few guys, just to see. That only lasted a few weeks until I couldn't maintain the pretense any longer.  
  
\- They were not me either. And we were never lovers, Jim.  
  
\- But what does it mean? You are the single most important person in my life, Spock, and I can't quite envision it if you're not with me. I feel everything for you that a lover would feel -- except I don't want to have sex with you. What kind of relationship is _that_?  
  
\- I do not understand why you wish to define it. We are what we are, and we feel what we feel. I feel the same way, Jim. Why not accept it as the gift it is and refuse to question further?  
  
\- I feel like me not questioning is part of why you went to Gol in the first place.  
  
\- Perhaps.  
  
\- ... And besides, what does it mean? Will every woman I ever meet be nothing more than an emotional second place to you?  
  
\- The future is quite long, Jim. Besides, I did not know you were 'the marrying kind.'  
  
\- Well, not too much, I guess. I'm too married to Starfleet right now anyway. But in most serious relationships I've been in, I've envisioned marriage as a possible outcome. I _do_ eventually want a family.  
  
\- What we have does not preclude that possibility. Nor does it mean that you cannot have deep relationships with women. Acknowledging what we feel need not change anything other than making our friendship more profound.  
  
\- I still think that's too facile. ... But I can see what you mean, I guess.  
  
\- You do not seem convinced.  
  
\- Intellectually I am. Emotionally, I don't know. It still feels... I don't know...  
  
\- If definition is a problem, I have a suggestion.  
  
\- What?  
  
\- Part of my study as a Kolinahr initiate included a deep investigation into the philosophies of pre-Reform Vulcan. As a part of this study, I encountered the Vulcan concept of t'hy'la.  
  
\- I never heard of it.  
  
\- The term is used quite differently in modern Vulcan. It is between bondmates; each is t'hy'la to the other. The term is used in a nearly legal sense. It applies no matter what the emotional quality of the relationship is, for emotions are considered nonexistent or at least irrelevant.  
  
\- But we aren't bondmates.  
  
\- No, we are not. However, the word meant something far different in pre-Reform Vulcan, as I learned. It was originally used to describe an emotional connection only. It had no legal force at all.  
  
\- What sort of connection?  
  
\- The closest English translation is 'two bodies, one mind.'  
  
\- Huh. I like that.  
  
\- It was often used between bondmates, at least those with a very strong bond. But it could also describe friends and life companions who did not share a physical relationship but for whom the emotional connection was just as strong. I thought of you when I first learned of it, and I have sometimes called you t'hy'la in my mind.  
  
\- Spock. T'hy'la.  
  
\- You understand, do you not, that if you use the term it will be misunderstood. Only the modern usage is known, and we are not bondmates.  
  
\- Well, maybe _both_ our cultures have restrictive definitions of friendship.  
  
\- True.  
  
\- Besides, _you_ understand. That's all I care about.  
  
\- ... I am glad you woke me to view the sunrise, Jim.  
  
\- Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?  
  
\- That is not what I was referring to.  
  
\- I know it's not. And I agree with you -- t'hy'la.


	2. Sunrise Version 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the second version of two of the story "Sunrise". The difference between the two is the ending.

\- Spock, wake up.

\- ... What? Is there an emergency? Danger?

\- No, nothing like that. The sun’s coming up over the beach and I want you to see it with me.

\- I was unaware that sunrises required company.

\- They don’t. But I do when I’m watching them.

\- I see... Very well, then, I shall view it with you.

\- Good. Hurry up, we don’t want to miss it.

\- I am endeavoring to locate my shirt in the dark without waking the others.

\- They’re in other tents, Spock, and their hearing isn’t as good as yours. Don’t worry about it.

\- Why are you awake at 0536 hours? I had always believed you to be a late riser.

\- I usually am, but I can never sleep well the first night exploring a new world. Remember Beta Rajarus?

\- Ah, yes, I recall. You woke me at a similar time by inserting a small multi-legged creature into my therma-bag.

\- What can I say, planetfall brings out the best in me.

\- I confess to some relief that you did not employ a similar method this time.

\- Well, that time the point was just to put the raggnorf in your bag. Now I really do want to see the sunrise.

\- No doubt the paucity of small animal life here on Dernath IV contributed as well.

\- Well, if you want to be that way about it...

\- You may open the flap to our tent now.

\- Finally. It’s probably noon by now... whoa, check that out.

\- It is most definitely not noon.

\- No, we’re just in time. Let’s walk along the water.

\- The atmospheric effects of Dernath IV are most striking. The density and layering of gases produces a most fascinating phenomenon.

\- I’ve missed your perspective on beauty.

\- If you wished to view this with someone who shares your aesthetic viewpoint, perhaps you should have woken McCoy.

\- I wasn't being sarcastic. I love sharing your take on things, partially because it’s different.

\- Oh.

\- Besides, we both think it’s beautiful, right? Just in different ways.

\- The Vulcan perspective of aesthetic appreciation is quite complicated.

\- Oh, don’t give me that. I didn’t ask about the Vulcan perspective. I asked about _yours._

\- The distinction is important to you?

\- Of course it is. You are _you_ , Spock, not just some Vulcan. I’ve known you for almost eight years, even if we haven’t seen much of each other for the past few. I can’t believe you’d think I still see you as just another Vulcan.

\- I do not think you do. However, I am continually surprised at that fact. Nearly everyone in my life sees me through the lens of my heredity, at least to some extent. Including my parents.

\- Including yourself, also?

\- ... Perhaps. Before Kolinahr, at least.

\- And now?

\- Now I do not know. Now I am just Spock.

\- That's all you need to be, you know.

\- Thank you.

\- ... You're right, though, these colors are striking. God, I love this part of my job.

\- I believe exploration and first contact is the reason most of the crew entered Starfleet.

\- Especially when it's uninhabited, gorgeous planets like this. I'll make a wonderful colony world someday.

\- And for now you have your beach to walk on, Jim.

\- You remember that conversation?

\- Indeed. It is a memory I cherish.

\- Why? We were both out of our minds.

\- True. However, it was the first time that we spoke about anything deeply personal.

\- It was, wasn't it? I never thought much about that. I think I always had an image of us being able to talk like we are now.

\- You retain this image in spite of the past few years?

\- ... I don't know. Maybe, in a weird way, I do so _because_ of it. It's like -- us being able to talk, being friends like this, is so integral to my conception of how the universe is supposed to work that I always thought in the back of my mind, even during those years, that they weren't real. That you'd turn up and everything would be okay again.

\- They were real, though unpleasant.

\- That's an understatement. ... I'm a fool, Spock.

\- In what way? You are many things, Jim, but not a fool.

\- No, I'm a fool. When I said all I wanted was a beach to walk on.

\- I did think at the time that it seemed most out of character. I do not imagine that you would be content with a life free of responsibility.

\- That's what the past years were, and I was miserable.

\- I do not understand. You had a great deal of responsibility.

\- But none of it _mattered_ to me. It was paper pushing, never seeing anything new, never actually making a difference. I felt like I was suffocating. I can't really explain it.

\- You do not need to. I understand.

\- Yeah, you do, don't you? ... That's the other thing.

\- What other thing?

\- The other reason I'm a fool.

\- Explain.

\- A beach to walk on is a really lonely place when there's no one to walk it with you.

\- Lori did not walk on beaches with you?

\- ... I don't know if I can talk about Lori.

\- You have never spoken much of her.

\- Just like _you've_ never talked much about Gol.

\- Many things are difficult to discuss.

\- Yes. Especially with you.

\- You find Lori especially difficult to discuss with me, Jim?

\- Well, yeah. Probably for the same reason you find Kohlinar hard to discuss with _me._

\- I have not spoken about Gol with anyone.

\- But especially not me.

\- ... Yes. Especially not you.

\- ... You know, if you ever want to, I'll listen.

\- The desire to and the ability to are not the same thing.

\- I know. That's what Lori could never understand.

\- What do you mean?

\- ... I _wanted_ to fall in love with her. I tried so hard. I just couldn't.

\- You did not love her?

\- I tried. I liked her, respected her, was attracted to her. But ... no, I don't think I loved her.

\- May I ask a question?

\- Sure. I might not answer though.

\- It is actually two questions. Why did you want to fall in love, and why were you unable to succeed?

\- ... Those are good questions.

\- I am most interested in your responses.

\- Here we are, talking about the very thing I didn't want to discuss.

\- If you are not comfortable, Jim, do not feel obliged to speak.

\- No, I should probably talk this out sometime.

\- I am sure McCoy would be willing if you are especially hesitant to discuss it with me.

\- I meant talk it out with you.

\- Oh. Then I shall reiterate my question. Why did you want to fall in love?

\- ... This is harder to talk about than I would have thought. Let's sit on the sand so I don't have to look at you.

\- Very well.

\- Well, I guess because when I lost you and Bones and the ship, it felt like I had this big gaping hole inside. I was just -- empty.

\- I understand. Quite well, in fact.

\- I wanted to fall in love because I wanted to fill that hole. Have you ever been in love, Spock?

\- It is very difficult to say with certainty, since I do not know if what I have felt fits the Terran concept of love.

\- I don't know if anyone ever knows what does, least of all me. But I _thought_ that if I could just fall in love with Lori, it would fill up that hole. That's what everyone says love is like.

\- It is certainly a part of the Terran definition.

\- Well, it didn't work.

\- In what way?

\- I felt emptier with Lori than I ever did without her. I kept thinking that she _should_ be enough for me, and I blamed myself when she wasn't.

\- It was not your fault.

\- Maybe not how I felt. But I could have treated her better. Been more honest, at least.

\- Perhaps. But that is past now; you do no one any good by continuing to berate yourself over it.

\- I guess you're right... See, that's why I need you around, to be that rational part of me that points these things out.

\- Jim, I am not as rational as you think.

\- What do you mean? You're the clearest thinker I've ever met.

\- The two most significant decisions of my life were motivated by emotional considerations. Entering Starfleet and leaving it to join the Kolinahr.

\- Even if they were, that's not necessarily bad, you know.

\- I no longer believe that 'emotional' always means 'undesirable.' Yet I still agree with Surak, that emotion untempered by reason is dangerous.

\- Surely those decisions weren't entirely unreasonable.

\- Gol was.

\- How? I mean, I never agreed with it, but I never doubted that you had a good reason for doing what you did.

\- I did not.

\- Can I ask why you went? I've wondered about it a lot.

\- ... This is difficult to discuss.

\- Yeah, I know.

\- You spoke of the hole that was left by the absence of myself, the doctor, and the _Enterprise._

\- Yeah.

\- As our five-year mission drew to a close, I felt a similar emptiness within myself.

\- I don't understand. Everything was still the same.

\- But I saw what you did not. It was a new beginning, but also an ending. I did not see how anything could remain unaffected.

\- I saw that too.

\- You saw that the mission was ending, but I do not believe that you ever thought about what that would mean. You were very excited about your job at the Admiralty, and you did not believe that would change the relationship between us at all, though we were to be assigned different jobs to different locations.

\- Okay. Maybe I didn't see it; that's why it was so hard when you and Bones left. But if you hadn't gone, I would have been right.

\- Things would have changed regardless.

\- In the particulars, yes, but not all the important stuff. That's what real friendship _is_ , Spock. It's always there. And you were -- are -- the _realest_ friend I've ever had.

\- You may be correct, Jim, but at the time I perceived that you did not allow for the possibility of even superficial change. Or that you did not care what happened, one way or another.

\- Of course I cared! Maybe I didn't realize how fully, but I did.

\- Regardless, it seemed to me that you did not.

\- Okay, even so, I don't see why you went to Gol.

\- It was illogical.

\- Even illogical can be important.

\- As I said, I saw that my world would change, but you appeared unconcerned or unaware. And... I became afraid.

\- You, Spock? Of what?

\- The five-year mission was the most fulfilling time of my life, Jim, and much of that was because of you. I did not want to move on to a situation in which we were not together. But I did not think you felt the same way.

\- Oh, Spock...

\- I concluded that I had been grossly mistaken to allow myself to get that close to you or enjoy my life aboard the _Enterprise_ so much. If you open yourself to happiness you also make yourself vulnerable to pain, and I felt that I had erred in allowing myself a friendship that clearly meant more to me than it did to you.

\- Oh, God, Spock, it didn't! Maybe I was an idiot and gave you reason to think otherwise, but please don't think that. If there's anything the last three years have shown me...

\- I am quite relieved to hear you say that, Jim. But at the time I was emotional and hence irrational. I decided that it had been a mistake to allow myself the emotion that I did, and therefore it would be most logical to eliminate it.

\- So it was my fault you went to Gol.

\- No more than it was my fault that you tried in vain to fall in love with Lori. It was certainly a factor, but the root cause was in myself. I needed to make my peace with emotion in any case.

\- What fools we _both_ are.

\- No, what _people_ we both are. You humans have a saying -- "nobody's perfect." No one makes the correct decision all the time.

\- You're getting wise in your old age, Spock.

\- Misery creates wisdom.

\- ... You were miserable at Gol, then?

\- I spent much of my time denying that the emotion existed within me. And there were moments of enlightenment, even joy. But in sum ... yes, I was miserable.

\- You _have_ changed, to admit emotion so freely.

\- I do not feel the necessity to admit it to more than a few. But I no longer see the logic in trying to be someone I am not, either.

\- I'm glad you realized that and came back.

\- It was in part your doing, Jim.

\- How? You mean cause you heard me in your mind?

\- That, or something related to that, was why I failed Kolinahr. But it was not why I returned to the _Enterprise_ upon doing so.

\- I'm sorry about that, by the way. Not that it made you come back, but that you failed because of me.

\- Do not apologize. I thank you for it.

\- I didn't mean to call to you. It just happened... do you 'hear' me often?

\- It is rare if we are not in physical contact.

\- And if we are?

\- I normally shield less when I am around you. As a result, casual touches usually bring a ... presence... nothing as concrete as a thought or even an emotion, but an impression of your mind. Your psychic 'feel' is most pleasant.

\- That's the nicest compliment I've ever gotten.

\- It is the truth. Does it bother you that I shield so lightly around you?

\- No, not at all, actually. But I think I'm a little jealous that I can't sense you in the same way.

\- I believe you do on some level.

\- I always relax and feel most comfortable around you, but that's not the same thing.

\- No, but it nearly is. And perhaps I could teach you the rest. Our minds are most attuned.

\- Can you? How?

\- Put your hand on mine, like this.

\- Okay.

\- Now send your mind 'out' towards mine, as we do when we meld.

\- I don’t know if I'm getting anything.

\- You are expecting too much. As I said, it is nothing as concrete as a thought. It is just a presence.

\- Well, I feel like that hole is filled, if that's what you mean.

\- Logical. Both myself, the doctor, and the _Enterprise_ are back.

\- Yeah... but I think mostly it's you.

\- Why do you say that?

\- ... When you first came on the bridge during the V'Ger crisis and I saw that you hated me, it was one of the worst moments of my life. Even though I had both Bones and the ship, I would have given almost anything to erase that emotion in you.

\- I did not hate you.

\- Yes you did. I know hatred is an emotion, and you might have only felt it for a little while, but you did. Let's not lie to each other about this.

\- ... It was irrational.

\- Maybe, but it was justified. First I made you go to Gol, then I made you quit. You deserved your hatred.

\- Jim, I already told you I do not blame you for either of those two things. The root cause was in myself for both of them.

\- Well, why did you hate me then?

\- ... Because when I left Gol, the only place I wanted to go was with you. I hated you for making me feel that way.

\- Oh.

\- It is most illogical.

\- No, it makes sense. I've never been as dependent on anyone as I am on you, and it scares me to death.

\- You are not a dependent person, Jim.

\- You didn't see me the past few years. I was miserable without you around. I need you with me. You know that while we were still on the last mission, Spock, but I didn't realize it till you were gone.

\- I have no desire to be anywhere else either.

\- It doesn't make sense. I didn't think this kind of friendship was possible. It it's _essential_ to your happiness for the other person to be with you, I always thought that was _love_ , not friendship. And we've never been lovers.

\- Friendship is a type of love, is it not?

\- Yeah, I guess so. I just never heard of that intense of a friendship. I certainly never felt this way about Bones, or Gary.

\- Your culture is perhaps too restrictive in its definitions.

\- Maybe... When I realized how I felt about you, you know, I didn't know what to do.

\- Explain.

\- I finally realized that the reason I couldn't fall in love with Lori was because I expected her to fill the void you'd left, Spock. That wasn't fair to her, and of course she couldn't even come close.

\- Indeed. She is not me.

\- But when I saw that I had just married her to get over you, and that even _that_ relationship -- of lovers -- paled in comparison to what you and I had had, I didn't know what that meant. I've never considered myself bisexual, Spock, but I couldn't see how what I felt for you could be called anything other than love.

\- Jim...

\- I even tried dating a few guys, just to see. That only lasted a few weeks until I couldn't maintain the pretense any longer.

\- They were not me either. And we were never lovers, Jim.

\- ... Why weren't we?

\- I do not know.

\- Have you ever thought about it?

\- ... I have. But it is different for me, I believe.

\- How?

\- For me the difficult part was the acknowledgement of the emotion I feel for you. The expression of that emotion, whether physical or not, does not threaten my identity as a Vulcan as much as the fact, and intensity, of the emotion itself. What I feel for you is more like the t'hy'la of pre-Reform Vulcan than anything allowable today. It is too strong to ignore, and that is a true threat to the ideal of emotional mastery.

\- Hmm... but the concept of physical love?

\- Is not unappealing, though not the main point. I believe it is a logical step on the path of t'hy'la; when love is strong enough to involve all parts of you, it is reasonable to express it in all ways. Including the physical and regardless of gender. But it is not _necessary_ for me. I realize that your culture has odd notions regarding physical love.

\- Not as much as in the past, when same-gender or interracial sex was seen as unnatural or a perversion.

\- True. However, Terrans still insist on labeling a person according to the type of love they feel most comfortable expressing. You use words such as 'bisexual' or 'gay' to pigeonhole people rather than stating that they love whom they love and express it as they will.

\- We like defining things, I guess.

\- But that may be the root of your difficulty, Jim. You tried, and failed, to date men because you perceived that you love me. You did not succeed, but they were not me.

\- But if I'm attracted to you, shouldn't I be attracted to all guys? Isn't that the way it works?

\- Why? You are t'hy'la to me. You are not t'hy'la to everyone else as well.

\- But I'm not attracted to just one woman. I'm attracted to _women_ , to femininity in general.

\- Why must it be the same for men?

\- Well, I don't know. It just feels like it should.

\- You are quite complicated, Jim. I confess I do not perceive why it is difficult to be physically attracted to women in general but in love with one man in particular. As I said, I believe physical love is a natural extension of the emotion of love. And you feel the emotion, do you not?

\- Yeah! That's what's messing me up. I've never felt that for a man. It makes me wonder if I ever really knew myself.

\- We are constantly learning about ourselves. Are you still attracted to women?

\- Well, yes.

\- Then this is not a deep change, just the illumination of another facet of your psyche. You are Jim Kirk, attracted to women but in love with a man.

\- In love with a _man._

\- Perhaps you are paying too much attention to that word. Man. Think of me as just Spock.

\- But part of what I like about you is that you're a man. That you're stronger than me and not female and, well, that you're masculine. I can't ignore _that._

\- I am not saying you should disregard it. But I do believe you are giving it more importance than it deserves.

\- Maybe you're right...

\- How may I convince you?

\- ... Kiss me?

\- I do not wish to do something you are not comfortable with.

\- Fine, then. _I'll_ kiss _you._

\- Jim...

...

\- Hmm, that was nice.

\- Indeed.

\- I didn't think, "This is a man." I thought, "This is Spock."

\- Perhaps this is the key.

\- What? Kissing?

\- I suggest we attempt it again.

...

\- Wow, that was even better than before.

\- I confess that physical love has much to recommend it.

\- You're beautiful, Spock.

...

\- It is difficult to believe we are truly doing this.

\- Yeah, it's a little unreal. But great.

\- I am still a man, Jim.

\- ... I know. But you're _Spock,_ and I'm kissing you, and I think I sort of forgot why I was so concerned about the rest of it.

\- I love you, Jim.

\- Kiss me again.

...

\- God, I want to make love to you.

...

\- We cannot. The others will wake soon.

...

\- I want you.

...

\- We have to stop.

\- Yes, we must.

...

\- Okay, one more, then duty calls.

...

\- Two more.

...

\- Okay, we're professionals. We can save it.

\- Yes.

\- I'm covered with sand.

\- As am I.

\- Here's a hand. Let me help you up.

\- Thank you.

\- ... Did I tell you you're beautiful?

\- I believe so, but I confess I do not mind hearing it again.

\- You're beautiful.

\- As are you. Inside as well as out.

\- I'm glad you came out to watch the sunrise with me.

\- I am glad you woke me... t'hy'la.


End file.
